The Internet is NOT Really Really Great
by Mistress Zelda
Summary: Oneshot. Bored stiff, Yuan decides to check out the internet. What he found...well, let's not go there. Rated for safety!


Hello! This is my first attempt at a Tales of Symphonia fic. Be warned as it contains some OOCness! Oh yeah, and please be nice in your reviews. Use your common sense and reading perspective to find out what kind of person I am.

Disclaimer: I have nothing against any of these characters…well…maybe Lloyd. But still, I made them the way they are for humour purposes. And, for the purpose of the story, disregard Botta's death. …and whether or not Subway exists…

Another yawn rang through the non lively halls of the Renegade base. Yuan was slouched in a chair. An utterly jaded look was plastered on his face. The small cluster of his aqua coloured hair that fell in front of his eye seemed to hang lower today. He threw back his arms into a stretch and uttered the phrase, "I'm bored."

A loud scrape reverberated through the empty halls as a Renegade soldier carved a line into the wall. Surrounding this particular crudely drawn line were 53 other crudely drawn lines. The Renegade soldier sighed as he stated, "That's the 54th time you have made that clear, sir."

"Huzzah for me," Yuan answered with hardly any trace of emotion or interest.

"Huzzah for _I_," a somewhat irksome soldier corrected. "It is grammatically correct."

Yuan morphed his bored face into a terrifying glower. "Say that one more time and use Indignation on you. And you don't want that."

The bothersome soldier's face quickly grew pale and he turned back to his screen.

Yuan leaned back into his languid position in the chair again and swiveled himself a few times. Suddenly, Botta appeared on the rather outsized computer screen in front of Yuan.

The Renegade leader instantaneously sat up. "What is it? Did Lloyd and the others barge in?"

"…no," Botta replied. "I was just going ask what you want from Subway."

"Oh…" Yuan replied disappointedly. "I guess…an Italian sub…"

"Right away, sir!" The screen went blank.

The aqua haired man groaned with disheartenment. "If I have to force down another one of those nauseating things, I'm going to throw up for the next six months."

"Why does Lord Botta continually get Subway?" a Renegade asked.

"I heard that he wants to lose weight," another soldier replied.

"Weight?" a soldier exclaimed. "He's fine! He's not fat."

Another soldier in the room shook his head. "Compare the speed of Lord Yuan and Lord Botta. Lord Botta's pretty slow…"

"Isn't that because he's wearing a dress…?" a moronic Renegade asked.

Yuan gave a chuckle and the soldiers turned to inspect. "Fools, Botta's going to…"

The vacant hall now emitted resonance. It sounded almost like an earthquake…

"Who said I wear a dress?" Botta's yell seemed to shake the entire building. He burst into the room, fire in his eyes and Dreaded Waves formed around him as he walked.

The soldiers shook in their boots as they all pointed at each other.

"Well then, it seems that you all will be retrieving the food!"

One soldier gulped. "Does that mean we have to travel across that sweltering desert?"

"Are you refusing?" A ground based elemental circle appeared around Botta's feet.

"Uh…uh…no! We'll leave immediately!" The soldiers dashed out of the room.

Yuan continued to snicker as Botta took deep breaths to calm himself.

"Botta enragement number three," Yuan joked.

"Not amusing! This is a robe! A ROBE! Not a dress."

"Yes, yes," Yuan said. "Now, I need you to be serious and tell me what we need to do."

Botta sighed. "Sir, there is nothing of importance to do today. You can relax."

"Relax? RELAX?" Yuan stood up. "I can't relax knowing that Kratos is alive!"

"You're a bit obsessed…"

"…I am not…"

"You're being a little-

"I'M NOT BEING DEFENSIVE!"

Silence.

The leader exhaled slowly. "…all right, my point is, there's got to be something I can do."

"Did you check with Cruxis? Maybe there's something you can do up there."

Yuan shook his head. "No. Yggdrasill's throwing yet another party."

Awkward silence.

Botta blinked. "…party?"

"You…you didn't just hear that."

"Right well, I'm going to back to my office to watch my soaps…er…I mean paint my toenails...no! Wait, I mean…uh…sleep."

"What, with that creepy plushie of yours?" Yuan gave a laugh.

"Yes…"

Yuan immediately stopped laughing. More silence.

Botta became a bit nervous. "Uh, I mean, no! No I'm not! Just…just get some relaxation in. It doesn't hurt." He headed for the door. "…don't come into my office okay?" He left.

Yuan slumped back down into the chair again. "I'm still bored," he sighed. He began to scan the room for something to do. Then, his eye caught the internet signal. "The internet? The thing Botta just installed? Well, there's nothing better to do."

He clicked the little icon that took him to the Google webpage.

"Goo…gle?" he blinked and took a few seconds to try to determine what a "Google" is. "Well, I have nothing. Hm…there appears to be a little box I can type things in. What should I type…? …ah!" The keyboard clicked as he typed his own name into the search engine.

Many answers came up. He skimmed over them until he found one with a link that seemed interesting. It read "Fanfiction dot net" and the summary was "This is a story of the emotions of Kratos and Yuan." Upon clicking the blue link, he saw something else that confused him. "Rated M? What does that mean? M for what? Moronic? Masculine? Oh well…" Yuan's eyes followed the words as they appeared on the screen. But, at one point, he had to stop.

"This says 'Kratos is hot.' What the heck does that mean?" Upon exploring his mind, he discovered a fantasy of himself placing a miniature Kratos in a boiling pot of water. He snickered and continued to read. "…what is this? Kratos and I are getting along? Preposterous! We never…get…a…long." Yuan's eyes grew wide. "This is absolutely disgusting! Is this person crazy? Kratos and I…would never do THAT…**EVER**. And how in the world does this crazy…13 year old? How can a 13 year old write that? Ugh…so far, this internet thing isn't so great."

He pressed the back button and continued to look. Then, a new thing caught his interest. "Deviantart? What is this?" But, upon clicking the link, his face grew pale. "Oh…dear…goddess I was almost married to! What is this? Are all of our lives fake? How do these people know of us? This internet is evil! Evil, I say! Never shall I poison my poor mind with this filth! …urgh…" Yuan held his stomach. "I think…I'm about to throw up!" He quickly ran out of the room.

A few minutes after Yuan ran out, Lloyd and Genis entered.

"Lloyd, are you sure it's a good idea to leave the group like that?" Genis asked.

"Oh come on, Genis," Lloyd replied. "There just in the middle of a hot desert with a bunch of poison snakes, deadly scorpions, and thieves. What's the worst that can happen?"

Genis shuddered. "A lot of things…"

"Well, let's just mess with the Renegades." Lloyd looked up at the conspicuous screen. "Hey, what's this? Is that Kratos and Yuan on that screen? And why are they…? WHAT are they…?"

Genis twitched for he actually knew what SOME of these dirty things are. "Lloyd…let's just say they're doing…bad things. Things that you and I shouldn't worry about until we're older. MUCH older." The young sorcerer back spaced out of it.

Lloyd wanted to inspect more. "Neat! A place called fanfiction dot net! Hm…" Lloyd clicked a bunch of random links.

"Lloyd!" Genis exclaimed. "Don't mess with that!"

"Hey look! "Fiction rated M for Yaoi lemons with Genis and Lloyd." I like lemons! And look! Our names are there! Click, click!"

Genis was getting nervous. "Lloyd, seriously, you need to stop. I don't know what any of that means!"

"Oh come on, you know what a lemon is! Come on! Read it with me!"

Reluctantly, the poor child did. As he read, his eyes grew wider and wider.

Lloyd, as naïve as he is, just sat there and read. "I don't get this. S-E-X. Seex? What's seex? See the x?

"Ll-Lloyd, I want you to g-get out of there. This is SO GROSS! And how do these people know who we are and how to describe this kind of stuff?"

"Hey, read this part! I think we're fighting…no…dancing. Sleeping? I'm confused."

Finally, Genis's mind couldn't take it anymore. He passed out from disgust. But, Lloyd continued to read the story.

An hour later…

Yuan stumbled down the hallway after throwing up his past six meals. "Ugh…must…destroy…internet."

Botta was walking down the hallway as well. "Oh, sir, there you are! I was just wondering if you want to have a tea party…er…I mean…beat up something. Yeah, because we're men. And that's what men do…they beat up stuff."

"Botta, shut up. My mind is filled with perverted images, and I don't need your ramblings."

Botta heard about one-fourth of that response. "That's great, well, I suspect that someone is our big computer room, and I was just about to investigate. Please join me."

The two Renegade leaders entered the room to see Lloyd reading rated M fanfiction while looking at uncensored Fanart. And then there was Genis, passed out on the floor.

"What happened here?" Botta asked.

"It's that evil internet thing! It's the spawn of all evil!" Yuan shrieked.

Lloyd completely ignored this. "Hey, what does S-E-X mean? And why are men having children?"

Botta and Yuan exchanged looks until finally Yuan screamed, "Die, you box of unspeakable, perverted evil! INDIGNATION!" The spell blew up the internet box and the computer as well.

Botta was speechless, Lloyd groaned, and Genis awoke.

Botta screamed, "Yuan! That cost a million Gald!"

Lloyd sighed. "Aw…no more stories. Oh well…I'm bored…"

Genis rejoiced. "The hand of evil has been lifted!"

Lloyd jumped up. "Well, time to go!" He grabbed Genis by the wrist and led him out.

Yuan sighed with relief. "The Renegades are saved from that evil internet!"

Botta's jaw was still dropped. "A…m-million…Gald…"

The End!


End file.
